I Didn't Realize That I Was Codependent With My Daughter

My daughter grew up in a very dysfunctional home. Her dad was a heavy drinker, and quite psychotic. He was abusive to me both physically and mentally. Unfortunately I didn't leave him until she was in the seventh grade. I prayed that her dysfunctional upbringing would not affect her too badly.

When my daughter and I left her dad it took us a while to become settled into our new, wonderful life. She stayed away from her dad for a long time, because he was not a dependable father. I raised her alone until she graduated from high school. She and I were very close as we continued our lives.

She was very quiet, and not an outgoing person. I didn't realize that I spoke for her many times when others would ask her a question. I was trying to protect her, and she was trying to protect me, she told me after she grew up. My older sons kept telling me that I was overprotective of her, but I just couldn't see it. Thus our relationship was growing into deeper codependency.

As my daughter grew into an adult, she lived with me off and on as I went through some difficult relationships, l married a wonderful man who my daughter dearly loved as a father, he died six months after we were married. After this terrible time of grief, my daughter moved in with me once again and we grew more codependent than ever. We went everywhere together when we weren't working. We ate out a lot, we shopped quite a bit, and most of the time I paid her way. i wanted to help her, and she became more and more dependent on me to help.

I wondered why, as the years continued to fly by, she didn't respect me much of the time. She dated bad guys, and lived recklessly for a few years, and then met the love of her life. He seemed to be sweet, loving, fun, outgoing, hard working, a good Christian, a real all around great guy.

After they dated for a few months, they became engaged. Things began to deteriorate between them soon after the engagement. He began to change, and began drinking. His personality started to change into, a not so nice guy. There were a lot of arguments, and my daughter found that she was facing trust issues with him.

Young love.

He called the engagement off so he could be free to party and do drugs. I was relieved that she would not be married to a drug user, but my daughter was devastated. I felt bad for her, but I knew deep down that he was trouble in the first degree. A few months passed, and they were suddenly back together, and ready to tie the knot. I was having a very difficult time being happy for them. I knew they were in for a very rocky road ahead, and I was not alone in my thinking.

I decided that if my daughter was happy, I would try to be happy for her. The relationship was volatile from that time forward. They would argue, it seemed like, every day. She would call me to talk about their problems. I thought it was my motherly duty to listen and give her advice. Her husband was having wild mood swings, and would yell at her all of the time, and follow her from room to room yelling. She would yell back and the fight was on.

Then she got pregnant with their daughter. At first, all was bliss, then they once again, began fighting all through the pregnancy. They were codependent also. By this time there was much suspicion that he was doing drugs again. After the baby was born, he wouldn't stay at the hospital to help my daughter, so I did. She had a cesarean, and was recuperating. When she went home they both wanted me to stay and help for a few days, and I gladly did. My granddaughter was so precious! How could they fight in her presence? They continued to be in a most volatile relationship, and I worried for my granddaughter.

When my granddaughter was about six months old, my daughter left her husband and came to live with my new husband and I. She felt relieved and glad to be separated for a few weeks, and then she started longing for him once again. She could only think of the good in him, and seemed to forget the bad times they had together. I enjoyed our granddaughter being here during that time. Soon, she and hubby got back together.

The fighting began again after a few weeks of endearments. My daughter felt she could not trust him, and she began arguing with him. The environment was so bad for my granddaughter, that I threatened both of them with calling family services in if they didn't get things under control, and quit arguing in front of the baby. I felt as if that was the least I could do for my adorably sweet baby granddaughter. I baby sat her from the time she was six weeks old throughout this whole time that I am mentioning in this article. I was very close to her, and we were bonding. My daughter was very distraught, and I could see that she was very exhausted, and didn't feel like doing much after working all day. I was there to take care of her and the baby.

My daughter finally walked out of the marriage for good, and they are now separated, and preparing for divorce. Her husband is glad she walked out, and she has been sorry once again. I counseled her the whole time all of this was going on. This time she moved in with a friend from her work and her husband and two kids. They invited her and her baby to stay with them. My husband and I are in bad health now, and could no longer allow them to stay with us.

My daughter ended up in a stress center over the dysfunctional relationship and uncertainty of what the future would hold.. She went there two times. I was so distraught by her stresses and her leaning on me for all of the answers, and help financially, that I entered the stress center also for a week. That is where I discovered that my daughter and I were codependent.

After all of these years of thinking that I was counseling her and helping her, I found out that I was disabling her from standing on her own and taking on her adult roles properly. I told her many times that she needed to be strong and stand on her own, and be strong for her baby also. The whole time, not knowing that I was part of her problem. Helping her make decisions, telling her how to raise her baby, trying to fix her marital problems, financial troubles, and the list goes on and on. In counseling, she and I both discovered that we were codependent, and that it was an unhealthy relationship. We also were counseled on how to put a stop to the codependency.

My daughter and I still visit, but I am very careful not to get into her business, and I am constantly on guard for codependency tendencies in our relationship. It has helped that she and my granddaughter have moved a couple hours away from me. My daughter has gotten a new job, and a new lease on life. She will soon be moving to a new apartment and she is becoming stronger. I am very proud of her and relieved that she is making it on her own.

My husband and I will soon be moving out of state, and will be seeing the kids and grand babies less often. I will miss them, but our time together will be quality, and they can come to visit. Thus, even less chance for codependency.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6371292

Energy In Relationships - How Your Positive or Negative Mood Can Affect His Choice To Be With You

Positive and negative energy is a very real and very powerful phenomena that many of us take for granted. It courses within us, through us, and all around us as it is ever-present.

I do not speak of the mythically spiritual energy that can summon creatures, cast spells, or bring an evil spirit back from the grave. I also do not mean the kind of energy that gets you through the day and enables you to get up out of bed in the morning, or crash onto your pillow at night.

I speak of the energy that enables us to feel and sense the atmosphere as though it were its own entity.

The kind that allows us to stand next to someone and feel enlightened or uplifted by their presence, compared to standing next to another person and feeling disheartened or even freaked out.

This energy, for lack of a better term, can also be described as the 'vibes' that we feel and sense. Our ability to realize and comprehend with the way someone portrays themselves.

This energy is subconsciously harnessed and reverberated back and forth from those that surround us on a constant basis. Without even realizing it, the energy that you share with your significant other plays a large role in determining your compatibility with them.

Take for instance the way the two of you can laugh and smile over a certain humorous comment made, even if the people next to you might scoff and find it absurd. The fact that the two of you can think and act alike shows that your energy levels and your 'vibe' are in sync.

On the flip side, how about the way you can almost automatically know when something is bothering your partner, just from the way he or she looks and acts all of a sudden, without even saying a word.

This energy- this vibe, this connection the two of you share is like a strong and deep wavelength that unites you both, and that sways negatively under stress and pressure, and lifts upward during moments of joy and happiness.

The way that you feel and interact with your partner is largely based on the energy that you portray, in other words, the mood that you are currently in.

Positive energy opens us up to so many wondrous moments and opportunities whereas, negative energy leaves us primarily open to conflict, resentment, and disappointment.

If an argument was recently made between you and your partner, consider having a conversation until you come to a consensus as to how the issue began, then establish a game-plan to tackle it together.

There is a strong difference between our feelings and our emotions.

A general rule of thumb is that you are allowed to feel and express your feelings however you wish, yet when it comes to emotion; think twice.

For better clarification, a feeling is something that is felt; the feeling of anguish, guilt, fear, anger, sadness, et cetera. These are fine to feel and to be expressed as long as we resolve to better our position and situation.

Emotions on the other hand are more tender and difficult to deal with. Emotions are the side effect of our feelings and sometimes, our emotions can get the better of us.

The emotions we portray are a huge contributor to the vibe and the energy that we put off as well. So in order to have a healthy and positive relationship, you need to first improve your mood, vibe, feelings, and emotions.

It is easier than you think as they all go hand in hand with each other.

Strive to live a healthier, happier lifestyle. Find your inner happiness and inner peace and act on the feelings that you receive from doing the things that you love.

This will not only improve your mood but it will eventually improve your relationship as having a good mood and simply smiling at another acts as a ripple effect. Everyone, including your man, will take note of your happiness and it will more than likely inspire them to do the same.

Aside from encouraging your own happiness be sure to let your partner know that his happiness is just as important to you as well. Be careful of the tone that you use with him. Help inspire him to improve on the things he needs work on rather than nagging and moaning that he get things done.

He will begin to pay more attention to your needs, wants, and desires just as quickly once he realizes you do so for him!

Besides, studies have also shown that being a positive, radiant, and happy person can help ward off cancer. Cancer cells tend to thrive and grow that much quicker in people who are constantly negative, stressed out, and an all-over gloomy person.

So what happens if the energy in your relationship is in tip-top shape, yet you still feel unsure as to whether it is meant to be?

Whether or not he is the man you can see yourself growing old with or if he truly even means what he says and does?

Find a way to get inside his mind and really understand what he is struggling with in terms of your relationship together.

Pay Attention Here

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6380191

Love Today - Tomorrow May Be Too Late!

I learned last week the husband of a Facebook friend was killed in an accident Tuesday. They have a 14-year old son and a 10-year old daughter.

When I hear stories like this, I have to admit my faith takes a little beating. I don't understand why these things happen. I mean, this very nice lady has lost her husband, and the kids lost their Dad.

The prevailing wisdom is there a purpose in everything that happens in our lives. However, It doesn't make sense.

Maybe it's not supposed to make sense. Maybe we just need to believe these kind of events are for the greater good.

You know what, though! I'm going to add this to my list of questions to ask God when it's my turn to sit down with Him. He's definitely going to need some Tylenol after he's finished with me. He will have a headache.

Events like this emphasize to me the importance of relationships. I'm learning, at a later age in life, to really hold onto and nurture those relationships that are important to me. Up until now, it has been so easy to take them for granted.

What does this mean? Tell each and every important person in your life you love him or her. Every day. That's right, EVERY DAY! That's your husband, your wife, your kids. And everyone else who is an important part of your life.

Stop taking the important folks in your life for granted. Talk to them; find out what's going on with them. Just flat out pay attention.

Why? Because they may not be here tomorrow. I repeat, they may not be here tomorrow. For that matter, you may not be here tomorrow.

You can't waste time. Things go way too fast now. A lot faster than they used to.You know the old expression, "Here today, gone tomorrow!" Treat those important people in your life like there's no tomorrow.

I have to do all of these things myself. I just assumed everyone's going to be around forever. Well, that ain't the case. Maybe that's one reason why I live in Georgia now. I was taking my family for granted. I need them, so I have to let them know I love them. I have to thank them for loving me.

Can you imagine what it would be like if everyone would do these things? I think the world would be a much happier place!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6377640

Surviving The Affair - Save Your Marriage and Get The Respect And Admiration You Deserve

When surviving an affair, there will be a lot of arguing and disagreements. In fact, maybe you've been facing prior communication issues within your spouse and it may be one of the factors that caused the affair in the first place.

We are going to tell you the two most destructive habits that may be damaging your ability to survive the affair and gain respect and admiration from your spouse. We are also going to reveal which of these habits is the reason why your partner may be ignoring your feelings, has taken advantage of you, and is disrespecting you. These communication techniques, which are used by the majority of married couples, often cause lovers to turn into enemies and result in divorce.

These two common communication toxins are passive communication behaviour and aggressive communication behaviour.

Ask yourself this. While you've been surviving the affair and arguing with your spouse, do you typically feel wrong? When the topic of the affair or other issues in the marriage come up, do you avoid sharing what you're really thinking or feeling? Do you speak to your partner in ways that put yourself down or discredit your opinions? Some signs that you are being a passive communicator are always giving in or retreating and then quietly counter attacking. Being a passive communicator is a big problem for women. We were brought up to be "nice" and "kind" and nurture rather than defend.

Research has proven that couples who are assured a successful marriage have to believe their own thoughts, opinions and expectations are just as valid as their partners. If you are standing up for yourself - great! But are you doing it in a way that doesn't put down your partner?

Engaging in aggressive communication is equally destructive. While surviving the affair have you found yourself insulting your partner and telling them what they should or should not do? When you explain your feelings or thoughts are you doing it at the expense of your spouses feelings and constantly try to prove them wrong? Are you name calling and being obnoxious because you feel justified after what has happened to you?

Therapists agree, that the problem with being an aggressive communicator is your spouse will try to avoid you at all cost. It doesn't allow for any meaningful discussions to take place and therefore the marriage can't be saved.

Those who are destined to succeed in a loving relationship refrain from making a big deal when their partners refuse to meet them half way. They simply hold their ground and continue to insist that their opinion or priorities be given equal consideration.

For most of us this simply doesn't happen. Instead when husbands and wives try to stand up for themselves, they kill good communication dead in its tracks by putting the other person down. If you can start to distinguish your aggressive action or equally destructive lack of passive action, you can start on the road to mending your marriage with a new balanced way of communicating.

While surviving the affair, try taking a balanced approach to your discussions which isn't aggressive or passive. Learning to create a more healthy way to discuss your issues with your spouse is the key to saving your marriage. Become assertive and stand up for yourself. Feel comfortable in expressing your vulnerable feelings and being direct in a healthy way rather than insulting and blowing up. After you learn to become a balanced communicator, you will be more respected and admired by your spouse and your marriage will improve.

Surviving the affair isn't easy but with the right communication you can succeed at saving your marriage!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6375813

Symptoms of Emotional Infidelity to Be Aware Of

Emotional attachment is typically the precursor to sexual infidelity. If your spouse has become emotionally tied to someone else, it should not be difficult to find out. Symptoms of emotional infidelity to notice include:

Secrecy

You walk into a room where you find your spouse reading or sending messages on the cell phone. Immediately, the phone is hidden. It is clear that he wants you to ignore the phone activity and is uncomfortable with your presence.
You notice email is no longer left open and computer devices are turned off when your spouse leaves his home office or the house.
Your spouse seems agitated if you are continuously present in the room.

Distance

A gradual or sudden decrease in conversation and time spent with you.
Your spouse desires to spend more time alone, but you notice that a great deal of "alone time" is spent on the computer or texting.

Defensiveness

When asked about odd behavior, your partner becomes defensive and argumentative.
Your spouse becomes territorial in the home.

Loss of Intimacy

Disinterest in intimacy with you, but there is no evidence of a physical affair.
When you initiate intimacy, your advances are met with rejection and mundane excuses.

The Problem: Poor Communication

Communication is an age-old problem in marriage. Nearly all couples will admit that at times they feel that their spouse is not really listening or interested in the things that concern them most. Since they want to talk about these things, they will go to someone else. Before the days of the internet it was a family member or longtime friend. The internet has changed the "go to" person. This is not to say that emotional attachments do not develop offline. The internet, however, has become the way for people of all ages to make new friends.

There are an unlimited number of chat rooms and other websites to "hook up" with someone to talk to. Usually, people specifically choose a member of the opposite sex, because it is really their spouse that they would prefer to talk with. It is not necessarily their intention to get emotionally tied to the anonymous person online; it happens naturally. Sharing personal details about your life and your innermost feelings with another person breeds intimacy.

The Solution: Listening

Emotional infidelity is driven by the desire to be heard and understood. Emotions are simply about feelings. People want their spouse to know how they "feel." This is a basic human need. More than any other person, we want our spouse to be understanding and compassionate toward our "feelings." It is natural for someone to pull away from a relationship where this need is not being met because it demands gratification.

If you suspect your partner is involved in an emotional affair, understand that sex is not the goal. However, the third party has connected with your spouse's feelings merely by listening with a sensitive ear. Your spouse needs understanding and compassion from you. An emotional attachment can be broken if you will listen attentively, express heartfelt empathy and make spending time with your spouse a priority.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6375954

Steps Involved To Catching The Cheating Spouse

When infidelity is suspected in a relationship, it's important for the faithful partner to become more aware of the goings on as this will help to determine whether the relationship is worth salvaging or not. That said, there are steps involved to catching the cheating spouse, which are provided below.

Suspicions may arise through some change in behavior in your partner, which is usually the first sign that something may be up. Relationships go through many phases, and couples may experience good times and bad, but more often than not, they are worth salvaging even when infidelity occurs.

The changes in behavior could be quite minor, such as shopping for new clothes, especially undergarments, perfumes or colognes, and other things that one would use to enhance their appearance, which was somewhat out of character beforehand. Other changes could include going out more, working late more, and the partner's behavior with telephone or cell phone calls.

With regards to the latter, there are many clues that can be discovered, starting with incoming or outgoing calls or text messages from an unknown number. Another clue is the way your partner behaves when speaking on the phone, like the conversation seems uncomfortable or is somehow spoken in code.

Next, it's time to do a little investigative work for more solid proof, which is usually in the form of receipts. Carefully observe the cell phone monthly statements of the past and the present, and look for a change in activity. Also, look for questionable purchase receipts from gift stores, restaurants or even hotels. Take a closer look at credit card bills, which often provide all lot of information, as well.

The next step involves following your partner, whether you do it or by hiring a private investigator. If you are going to be doing the following, ensure that another vehicle is used so it isn't so obvious, and remember to hang back a bit to avoid being caught.

It is probably best to avoid following your spouse yourself because it is possible that there may be a discovery that is less than favorable which can cause overwhelming emotions and can lead to uncontrolled actions. Therefore, it is better to hire someone qualified and detached from the situation to handle this part. The professional will photograph the subject and provide detailed information about the goings on and whereabouts for the proof sought after in catching a cheating spouse.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6372137

How Jake Missed Two Important Signs That His Wife Was Having an Affair

My friends, let's call them Jake and Molly, were your typical happy power couple. Both had very successful careers in the banking industry. When it was time to start a family, they decided that Jake would stay home with the children. Jake was a great guy. He was smart, successful and he was very good with the children. He was that "perfect parent" that we all know and envy. He always made time to volunteer with the school PTA or the latest fundraiser. Always setting up play dates for the kids. He was always driving the kids to ballet, music lessons and baseball games. He was always in control; the hectic pace never fazed him. Molly was a wonderful person. She was very nice, she loved to laugh and was very appreciative of Jake. It appeared they had the perfect life.

After their third child arrived things began to change. Molly started to criticize Jake over little things. If he forgot the diaper bag in the car or if he did not wash that particular outfit for their son to wear, he would be criticized by Molly. When we were in their company it would sometimes be very uncomfortable. When I asked Jake about the situation he said he thought it was just stress from Molly's work. Over time the criticism became more frequent over the tiniest of issues.

This is the first important sign that Jake missed.

When a partner is having an affair they begin to demonize their existing partner. This is to help justify why they are having an affair. Criticism over the tiniest of issues that were not a problem in the past is an important sign that may indicate an affair. Jake wrote it off in his mind as stress from the workplace. In many cases, temporary work insanity can create stress and cause a person to lash out at their partners and family. However, if the criticism starts to go into a spiral of "you cannot do anything right", then it is time to dig deeper into the situation.

Shortly after the criticisms from Molly seem to be constant, he noticed Molly's interest in her wardrobe specifically, lingerie. Molly would spend time looking at web sites and on-line catalogs of lingerie. Molly was not a prude and did where sexy outfits to bed in the past, but Jake felt that her sudden interest in buying new lingerie was odd. Molly did travel in her job and she would say that she wanted want new lingerie as she felt embarrassed when airport security would look in her bag. Jake accepted this reason as he trusted Molly and could understand he feelings of possible embarrassment.

The is the second (and last) important sign that Jake missed.

After a business trip Molly returned home to announce that she was leaving Jake. She had been having an affair with a colleague from work and has decided to move in with him.

Jake was devastated. To make matters worse, Molly started an aggressive campaign to divorce Jake and to leave him with nothing. She hired a team of lawyers to attack Jake with such vengeance that he could not afford to defend himself. After being out of the workforce for over 10 years, Jake was able to get a job and now lives in an apartment with his kids.

You have the right to protect yourself. Learn the signs a spouse is cheating and then have a plan to uncover the truth. It is better to investigate and find nothing instead of ignoring the signs and become a victim. No one deserves to be treated like Jake. Take control off the situation and you will emerge stronger and be able to deal with a possible new direction for your life.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6309145

Surviving An Affair: Oh Why Bother? YOU'LL Just Do It Again!

When you first discover an affair, a huge flood of questions often results from the discovery. Some people ask their partner questions like, "How can you do this to me? What were you thinking? You did what? WITH THAT IDIOT? Am I not good enough anymore?" This is a common reaction, and everyone goes through it.

Many of the questions that arise are the first step to recovering from the shock of an affair, but there are some questions that do even more than help you vent and recover your emotional composure after finding out about infidelity.

Completely enraged, most will begin to doubt the viability of the relationship. Many betrayed lovers exclaim, "I'm done. Why bother staying with you anymore? You'll just do this again." That phrase is actually the first step to surviving a relationship that has been hurt from an affair. This is because the first step to surviving a relationship that has been plagued with infidelity is to decide whether you want to survive it alone, or with your current partner.

If you have been betrayed by your lover, it can be difficult to decide whether or not you should bother with resurrecting the relationship. People stay with cheating partners for a variety of reasons. Some stay because of the sheer amount of time that they have spent in the relationship, and feel very intimidated about going out on the dating scene once more. Others truly care about their partners, and feel that it's worth a shot.

Deciding to stay after cheating is a very personal decision, and you shouldn't let other people influence that decision at all - including your partner. It's important to look at the relationship as a whole in order to decide what to do. If your relationship was generally a happy one until the cheating happened, it might be worth a second shot. You shouldn't totally discount a relationship because of a lover's affair.

What many people do not realize about infidelity is that there is no real black and white. Not everyone actively searches for people to cheat on their partners with, and to assume that your lover did this might be a very bad mistake. Many times, people fall in love with others by accident. Ask for the whole story before you decide to leave your husband or wife. What you find out might make you understand their side of the story in a better way.

The most important thing to realize about infidelity is that it can be overcome. Leaving isn't the only option, and staying doesn't show a lack of self-respect. People can return to relationships and have a happily-ever-after if both parties work hard at rekindling trust. And in the end, isn't that the best reason to bother?

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6363209

Are Swingers Lifestyles Really Affairs?

To decide whether swingers lifestyles are a type of infidelity you need to approach the idea with an open mind. Swinging, partner swapping or, more recently, couples touch has been around since the dawn of mankind. Still looked down on by a large part of society as "weird" it is becoming more prevalent all the time and gradually more accepted. The question is, is it still a form of infidelity?

First though, a little bit of history. Although swinging in one form or another existed a long time ago, Ancient Rome appears to be where it became popular over two thousand years ago. It has always remained on the fringe of western society but other societies such as the Inuit, the Orya of New Guinea and some South American Indian tribes have used it to help them survive. Some historical figures such as Mary Shelley (author of "Frankenstein") and Benjamin Franklin are known to have practiced swinging.

Oddly enough, swinging in America seems to have originated with the US Air Force during World War Two. The pilots and their wives formed a tight-knit community around the air bases. Possibly helped along as a "stress reliever" due to the high mortality rate among pilots, swinging became an accepted part of these communities. By the late 1950's swinging had become commonplace throughout America.

Nowadays, it is very common and almost at the point of being an accepted part of society. Clubs and websites are common and most suburbs have a "swingers group" nestled away somewhere.

Just being common does not automatically make it right, however, so let's consider whether it is infidelity or not. Probably the main point to consider is the fact that swinging occurs when both partners agree so nothing is happening without the other partner being aware of it. Interestingly, it naturally requires good communication, honesty and trust between the partners to make it work.

An already unstable marriage or a marriage where one or both spouses shows jealousy would probably not be a good base to experiment from. Not a great deal of research has been done but the little that has seems to suggest that marriages which incorporate swinging appear happier and suffer less from affairs. Most marriage counselors, while not necessarily suggesting the practice, stop short of advising not to. Many couples believe it has made their already happy relationships happier.

Naturally, you must consider the possible health risks associated with multiple sex partners but safe sex practices, such as using condoms, reduce the risks to a level no higher than normal. More of a worry are the mental effects. How would you feel watching your partner enjoying sex with someone else? A healthy relationship should be able to accept and even enjoy this as part of the sensation. To stress a point, jealousy would have to be handled very carefully in a swinging situation.

Overall, swinging should really be approached as a possible addition to a relationship rather than as the solution to a problem. Good communication between spouses should be able to resolve whether it's addition would be a good thing or not. Whether to add it or not would have to be a joint agreement to avoid possible conflict between partners where one may feel obliged or coerced into taking part. Truly, it would be hard to consider swinging an infidelity however, as both partners must agree to participate and both can agree on mutual ground rules and boundaries.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6376104

How To Fall Back In Love After An Affair

You may be wondering whether it is possible to fall in love with your husband again after an affair. You may be at the point where you have worked through the negative emotions of the affair and have a better understanding of yourself and your relationship. During this process you may have lost some of the love you had previously felt for your spouse and this is completely natural.

Here are some things you can do to find love with your husband once again.

1. Find a way to resolve conflicts

It is hard to find love again if there are a series of conflicts that need to be resolved and no way of working through them. If one partner ends up screaming or getting the silent treatment it will be hard to establish feelings of love.

You both need to understand that you will never agree on everything and both of you have the right to air your differences. It is how these differences are presented that can reduce the level of conflicts. Understanding another viewpoint is imperative at this time and must be appreciated.

Before handling any further conflicts a set of parameters should be put in place so that the tone level does not escalate. Simply establish a plain set of rules for conflict resolution that you can both agree on to keep more peace in the house.

2. Raise communication levels

Both partners in a relationship may have trouble communicating with one another. If you are not able to effectively let your husband know what is needed and wanted, how can he provide it? A lot of married women believe that the husband should be a mind reader, which leads to more conflict.

Falling in love again may be as simple as communicating with each other at a new level. Weekly meetings can be scheduled for full communication if both spouses have busy lifestyles and quite often meet each other on the go.

3. Aim for total transparency

This is an important part of falling in love again since it is the best way to rebuild trust. There has been a lot of lying and cheating going on and the only way to get past this at the beginning is to develop a transparency code between you.

Both parties will have to share their activities, including who they are seeing and what their plans are at all times. This will allow each spouse to feel safe, which is an important part of falling in love again.

It is possible to fall back in love with your husband after an affair. Many couples have been able to love each other once again after the trials and tribulations of a cheating spouse have dissipated. It is even possible to build a marriage that is stronger than it was before.

In some cases an affair brings emotions and conflicts to the surface that needed to be dealt with earlier. By being able to see them as they really are for the first time, a strong marriage foundation may be reborn. A new respect for each other can be established if both parties want this to happen. It must be mutual at both ends or there is no hope.

There are going to have to be some changes made to the relationship in order to salvage it, put it back together and then have love reappear. Remember that this is a process and is not going to happen overnight. Give it some time and do it right, and you can learn to love your husband once again.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6376356

Is It Your Fault He Cheated? Oh, Please!

One of the first things you will probably do, once you have found out that your husband has cheated on you, is take on some of the responsibility for the affair. While you may realize that a marriage is a 50-50 proposition, there is no way that you should take any sort of blame for the affair itself. Marriage problems are 50-50, but an affair outside of the home is definitely not.

Marriage and its responsibilities

You may be very tempted to take part of the responsibility for this affair but you need to understand that your husband made the decision to cheat on his own. You're allowed to accept 50% of the responsibility for any marriage problems, but no more than that. Once the decision was made to cheat, that is where it ends. You can still look at the marital problems on their own and decide whether they are worth fixing but the affair is an aside that needs to be dealt with separately.

Fixing marriage problems

After the affair everything is going to seem a lot more complex and complicated. You may not be sure whether you want to fix any of the marriage issues that occurred before the affair and you may also be wondering whether you have the strength needed to work on them. The first thing you'll need to do before you even get to that point is work through the effects of the cheating and make yourself stronger.

Now is the time is to start working on yourself. You will have to rebuild your self-esteem and self-respect and get yourself back on track where you can see things more clearly. An affair can affect your physical, emotional and mental health and your responsibility right now is to get these things back in order.

Here are the three most important responsibilities you have to work through to rebuild the respect and love that you may have lost in yourself.

1. Get a firm grasp on reality

Take a look at the reality around you and connect with your complex thoughts, feelings and emotions. Understand and accept that they may all be out of control and definitely need to be addressed. This is all a natural part of the process, even though it is extremely painful. Accept responsibility for facing the reality of the situation so that you can get through it.

2. Put some attention on yourself

If you haven't been doing things for yourself lately, now is the time to get started. A lot of people who have lived through the effects of an affair have suddenly realized that they were not doing anything for themselves and life was no longer as fun as it used to be.

It is now time to fulfill your own needs as you're working through the healing process. Connect with other people whom you enjoy being with and do some things that you consider fun. You are allowed to experience happiness and it is your responsibility now to make sure that happiness happens. This needs to be done without guilt because you deserve it.

3. You are responsible for your own life

No matter what anyone has done to you or what you have done to yourself, you have been given this life to live and it is your responsibility to do it wisely and lovingly. You will be in control of your own decisions, desires and dreams. Nobody is allowed to take away this responsibility from you.

You are going to be moving forward from now on even if you don't know what direction it will take. Your responsibility is to retain your dignity and heal yourself first. You have the power within you to be happy once again, even if it does not seem possible right now.

Ruth Baker has more to say about why husbands cheat as well as other questions you may have: Why won't your husband give you details? How do you deal with the images in your mind? Will he cheat again?

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